My very first journal entry, written while I was waiting to board my flight to Munich:
Today I had to walk away from the two most important people in my life.
I’ve been at the airport all day, having arrived at 8 in the morning and penciling this entry just past 8 at night.
I guess fate was listening when I asked for more time in the early hours of this morning. I arrived here at the appointed hour only to learn that my flight had departed yesterday. Major Drama of the stomach-churning variety ensued. I pictured nightmare scenarios of having to return to SFSU in disgrace—if I were able to return at all, given that I had never registered for classes.
As I sat helplessly while my travel agent tried to fix things, I remembered why my friends are my friends. Mike never left my side. He even let me get weepy on his shoulder—and I am not a habitual crier.
Eventually, the whole thing was resolved and I was given the extra time I’d wished for. Scott was able to come meet me at the airport and after the Mikes left, he and I ate and then sat together waiting for the hour of my departure.
The dully familiar security processing—I’m no stranger to flying—took on a surreal aspect as I walked past the glass dividers. Walking farther and farther away, I kept looking back for glimpses of S and my mother. Finally past security, I turn one last time and see my mother wave. I raise my hand, then kneel to put my things back in my bag.
The next time I look back, they’re gone.
"Surreal" is the only word I can apply to that evening, as my emotions kept careening between grim resolve and utter terror. I distinctly remember checking my watch as we began taxiing down the runway. We began rolling at 9:16 pm, we lifted off exactly one minute later, and by 9:18 all I could think think was "Oh my god, what have I done?!?!"
But by then, of course, it was too late for me to chicken out.
It's not easy for me being here, because I'm not brave and I don't make friends easily. However, that is precisely why I decided on this, in the hope that by forcing myself to confront my fears, I might grow out of the little box of limitations I've built around myself. The brave have no need to challenge themselves, because they seem to have a talent for growth; as for myself, I've learned that it's only through adversity that I mature and become stronger.
Today I had to walk away from the two most important people in my life.
I’ve been at the airport all day, having arrived at 8 in the morning and penciling this entry just past 8 at night.
I guess fate was listening when I asked for more time in the early hours of this morning. I arrived here at the appointed hour only to learn that my flight had departed yesterday. Major Drama of the stomach-churning variety ensued. I pictured nightmare scenarios of having to return to SFSU in disgrace—if I were able to return at all, given that I had never registered for classes.
As I sat helplessly while my travel agent tried to fix things, I remembered why my friends are my friends. Mike never left my side. He even let me get weepy on his shoulder—and I am not a habitual crier.
Eventually, the whole thing was resolved and I was given the extra time I’d wished for. Scott was able to come meet me at the airport and after the Mikes left, he and I ate and then sat together waiting for the hour of my departure.
The dully familiar security processing—I’m no stranger to flying—took on a surreal aspect as I walked past the glass dividers. Walking farther and farther away, I kept looking back for glimpses of S and my mother. Finally past security, I turn one last time and see my mother wave. I raise my hand, then kneel to put my things back in my bag.
The next time I look back, they’re gone.
"Surreal" is the only word I can apply to that evening, as my emotions kept careening between grim resolve and utter terror. I distinctly remember checking my watch as we began taxiing down the runway. We began rolling at 9:16 pm, we lifted off exactly one minute later, and by 9:18 all I could think think was "Oh my god, what have I done?!?!"
But by then, of course, it was too late for me to chicken out.
It's not easy for me being here, because I'm not brave and I don't make friends easily. However, that is precisely why I decided on this, in the hope that by forcing myself to confront my fears, I might grow out of the little box of limitations I've built around myself. The brave have no need to challenge themselves, because they seem to have a talent for growth; as for myself, I've learned that it's only through adversity that I mature and become stronger.
This is the perfect way to get over your fears and I wish I was brave enough to face my fears like you are.
ReplyDeleteLiked the entry, but what the hell man! It's November! Gimmie more.
ReplyDelete